You're not my Real Mom

"You're not my real mom..." So common a phrase for a certain group of people: adoptive moms and stepmoms. The later hears it more often than the former, as we are often dealing with a jealous biological mother. I find this statement so interesting and manipulative. Manipulative either on the side of the BM who is trying to make herself feel better, or the child who is confused and/or upset at the new woman in her fathers life.

But really thinking about this statement has made me wonder... What is a "real mom?" If you look up the definition of mom in the dictionary it states: moth·er [noun] - A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.

So that sums it up huh? Great!

I like a Urban Dictionary user's definition of a mother:
"The woman who loves you unconditionally from birth, the one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else."

Of course, there is no definition or group of words that could truly define what it means to be a mother, but those of us who are know what it means without words. A mother is the sum of all of the experiences in life between a parent and a child that show unconditional love and devotion.

Stepmothers Boundaries

Did you ever notice how stepmothers are always accused of over stepping their boundaries. As if our boundaries are black and white and clear cut.

My husband and I took my stepson to his soccer game, and his BM met us there. As a previous soccer player myself, I helped my husband (one of the coaches) practice with the boys (4 year olds). During the game I cheered my stepson on, and when he came off the field I gave him a high five (or should I say HE came to give ME a high five). Pretty normal actions... RIGHT?!?!

Needless to say my husband got a wonderful call from BM 10 minutes after the soccer game. Names and derogatory comments were made towards me, and she stated that I overstepped my boundaries by a mile. WOW... a mile.

This is what really ticks me off. Why should I (the woman who is raising HER son... she is often too busy to do so herself, and she is one of those woman who just don't have "it" when it comes to parenting and discipling a child) have to attend my stepsons soccer game, & constantly think about every move I make, and if it will upset the BM?!?! Aren't we supposed to be in this for the children. What ever happened to the best interest of the child? If we asked Driss if he was unhappy about the way I acted at his soccer game, he would have NO idea what we are talking about (well ok, I know he is only 4 years old, but still...)

When we are making these so called "boundaries" for the stepmother, it seems to me that the child is forgotten, and we have begun to make boundaries to make the BM feel better.

So what is the solution? How far are we allowed to get involved in our stepchildrens lives? Any thoughts?